Joan and Jean Burke sat in their kitchen and had a mother-daughter talk that would reshape their lives and become an affirmation of their love.

Jean, who was then 22, is an outgoing, compassionate, young woman, a good listener who has always enjoyed a wide circle of friends.

“Jean began to tell me she realized she was lesbian. I was totally shocked,” Joan Burke said. “That was the beginning of my listening.”

She recalls at first feeling a deep sadness, knowing that some of her expectations for her daughter would never be realized, that society was typically hard on homosexuals.

“I also understood this wonderful person was relieved she could trust in our love to reveal who she was,” Joan Burke said. During a similar father-daughter conversation a few days later, Keith Burke quietly listened and, not missing a heartbeat, simply told Jean he loved her.

The Burkes are members of St. Philomene Parish in Sacramento where Keith serves as a deacon. They are also members of Always Our Children, a Catholic support group for parents of lesbian, gay and bisexual children.

The Burkes came to the support group’s first meeting for a simple reason—to reach out to parents who might be hurting, people making a journey similar to their own.

“God tells us to love one another. He doesn’t give conditions,” Deacon Burke said. “Often we’re so busy judging, we forget.”

Always Our Children was approved by Bishop William K. Weigand and formed in the Diocese of Sacramento in 1999 under the auspices of the diocesan AIDS ministry committee. Father James Sheets, Catholic chaplain at Sutter General Hospital in Sacramento, is facilitator of the support group.

The group’s mission statement says it offers parents “a safe place to share…a place of compassion…and an environment of sacred trust…where participants can speak openly without fear of being outed.”

“I am proud to be with these people because they have come and shared themselves,” Father Sheets said. “I’ve seen healing and growth through lots of tears, including my own.”

The support group is guided by a pastoral message of the same name, “Always Our Children,” published in October 1997 to parents of homosexual children and pastoral ministers, from the U.S. bishops’ Committee on Marriage and Family.

“Our pastoral priests, those most closely engaged in ministry to people of homosexual disposition, have learned that significant numbers of parents agonize over their children’s homosexuality,” according to Father Charles McDermott, Vicar Episcopal for Theological Affairs for the diocese.

“Recalling the encouragement given in the Second Vatican Council to laity and priests to adopt independent initiatives in response to urgent pastoral needs, priests, in cooperation with parents of gay, lesbian and bisexual children, have established spiritual support groups…in keeping with the mind of the church. Such initiatives are entirely commendable,” he said.

Marilyn and Dean (last name withheld), the parents of four children, came to the support group after learning two of their children were gay. Marilyn, who describes herself as a “born and bred Catholic school girl,” said that she tried going to her parish priest for guidance, but received none. The support group was a prayer answered.

“I have just put my faith in my religion for so many things,” she said. “In this case I didn’t know how my church even felt, much less being comforted.”

According to Father Sheets, the Always Our Children group should not be viewed as a teaching ministry of the church, but as being about pastoral healing. One woman in the support group, who chose to remain anonymous, said that she had friends who were homosexual and found them to be wonderful people. But when her daughter came to her with the news that she was homosexual, she didn’t know how to deal with it.

“It was a comfortable feeling being able to share with other people who had the same struggles and experiences,” she said. “There are tears shed because our Catholic upbringing tells us (homosexuality) is unacceptable. How can it be unacceptable? We still love our children.”

One of the first issues addressed in the support group meetings concerns the difference between acceptance and approval.

“I tell parents you don’t have to approve, but we’re asking you to accept, in the spirit of love,” Father Sheets said.

Joe Runge, another member of the group, remembers when his youngest son, then 19, who had been president of his high school student body, told him he was gay.

“I said ‘I’m behind you all the way,’” Runge said. “I firmly believe God has never made anything bad. He is one of the most wonderful miracles of all. (Homosexuality) is just one of his miracles we don’t understand.”

Besides being an environment of sacred trust where parents can share their stories and minister to one another, Always Our Children is also successful in opening lines of communication within families. One member, whose 23-year-old son is gay, said that before joining the group, her husband didn’t really talk to her much about their shared problems.

“I never had anyone to talk to, but now we talk all the way home from meetings, and we talk about things discussed at the meeting the next day,” she said. “It’s brought us together.”

Father Sheets said that the group has proven to be a powerful instrument of spiritual growth for members, many of whom felt separated from their Catholic faith because their child is gay, lesbian or bisexual.

“We had a person at our first meeting who didn’t feel she could even go to confession for fear of being excommunicated because she had a gay son and wanted to go to his union,” he said. “I want people to know about this group so they can grow.”

For more information on Always Our Children, call (916) 497-1365.

Copyright © 2001 Diocese of Sacramento - All Rights Reserved

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